Hey,

Being needed, being wanted, and being known are not the same things. And, studies show what happens when caring for others begins to come at the expense of the self.

In #Edition93, we’re looking at why being needed can feel safer than simply being wanted and what happens when love starts feeling like something you have to keep earning.

Inside this Edition:
👉 When Being Needed Starts Feeling Like Love
🥗 What she’s watching, listening, doing
📰 5 headlines worth her time
✨ Her Spotlight
🤍 Note to Her

Being needed gives you a role.
But, being wanted asks you to trust that you can simply be there, and still matter.

You remember, fix, carry, organise, show up – and somewhere along the way, being useful starts to feel like evidence that you matter. They need you, so you must be important. They call you, so you must be loved.

But being needed, wanted and known are not the same things.

Being needed says, “My life is easier because you’re here.”
Being wanted says, “I choose you.”
Being known says, “I see you—even when you aren’t doing anything for me.”

And strangely, being needed can feel safer. Because need gives you something to do. Remember this. Fix that. Show up. Be dependable. Keep everyone okay. You know your role.

Being needed gives you a role.
Being wanted asks you to trust that you can simply be there, and still matter.
And, that can be much harder.

Research on relationship-contingent self-esteem has found that when our self-worth becomes tied to a relationship, everyday moments inside that relationship can start affecting how valuable we feel. Psychologists distinguish caring for others from what researchers call “unmitigated communion” – an excessive focus on other people that can come at the expense of yourself. Research has linked it with looking to others for information about your own worth, becoming overinvolved in their needs and neglecting your own.

Imagine what happens when nobody needs anything from you?
Someone else is doing the ‘remembering’. Someone else is making dinner. Someone else is handling the problem. And instead of relief, you start feeling strangely unnecessary. Because if you are not giving something, you think – “what makes you worth keeping around?”

That fear can follow you into receiving, too.
They helped me. I should help them.
They listened. I should listen harder.
They showed up. I need to prove I deserved it.

Suddenly, everything starts feeling like debt. Even love.

You keep giving – not always because anyone asked, but because receiving without immediately giving something back feels uncomfortable. There is a difference between giving because you love someone and giving because you’re afraid love will disappear if you stop.

Healthy love asks us to care for one another.
But it should not require you to keep producing reasons to deserve your place.

Perhaps the hardest kind of intimacy is letting someone love you when you are tired, quiet, inconvenient, or simply doing nothing for them. Not the capable version, the one who remembers everything, the one everyone can count on. Just you.

Stop asking:  “What do they need from me?”
Start asking:  “If I stopped being useful tomorrow, would I still believe I was worthy of love?”

Being needed was never supposed to be the admission price for being loved.

💬Ideas for the week when you’re learning to receive without earning your place.

🌍 5 stories shaping the week for women everywhere.

🧠 “Mom brain” may have a biological basis: New research linked pregnancy-related forgetfulness to estrogen-driven changes in brain circuits involved in short-term memory.
💻 Women in tech say the gender problem is far from fixed: A new WIRED survey of 634 women found persistent bias, harassment, burnout and frustration with male-dominated workplace culture.
🚨 Three arrested after a string of women’s killings in South Africa: Police arrested three suspects over one woman’s death as authorities investigate similarities across nine recent killings near Johannesburg.
🏊‍♀️ Tatjana Smith is coming out of retirement: The double Olympic champion announced her return to swimming, with the 50m breaststroke at LA28 now in her sights.
🏅 13-year-old Yu Zidi breaks another Asian Games record: The Chinese swimmer claimed her second gold of the Games after another record-breaking performance in the pool.

Found her. Loved her. Needed you to see her.

Psychologist Dr. Amanda Hanson (@midlife.muse) explores women’s self-worth, identity and the ways we can start looking outside ourselves for reassurance.

In a recently viral reel, she showed women a photo of the stranger interviewed before them and asked what they saw. They noticed joy, warmth, beauty, aliveness. Then she asked what they hoped others would see in them. And, the answers were strikingly similar.

Maybe validation isn’t the problem. Maybe the problem is when other people’s recognition becomes the only evidence we trust.

✨ So, let’s learn this from her today: Let validation be a gift, not a verdict.

Her Weekly Download has two drops every week, Tuesdays and Fridays – plus a Sunday news special for the women-first stories worth knowing.

✨P.S.  Send this to her who needs to know this because the best kind of wisdom goes from women to women 💚